For My 1000th Post

[Mack]

over my previous 999 posts, i've talked about myself, made fun of others, made a fool of myself and every so often given some good advise.

so for my 1000th post, my goal is to make sure i take care of my internet friends : i have made here, As i would hate to see any of you eaten alive, well maybe some i would like to see eaten, but i wouldn't watch cause that would be gross.






How to Survice a Zombie Attack.

Introduction

Traditionally zombies are raised through voodoo magic, however today almost anything seems to be able to raise the dead, from certain ancient blasphemous books to the bite of Skull Island Rat Monkeys. This has greatly raised the chances of being attacked by zombies anywhere in the world at any time. However, by following these steps you will dramatically improve your chances of survival.

One: Act Quickly

The most important thing that you can do in a zombie attack is to act decisively from the start. Zombies are slow and stupid, before they have great numbers to rely on, their greatest advantage is the element of surprise. Remember to keep away from strange, drunk looking people and to act decisively to neutralise any zombies you do encounter. Even if they are loved ones. In the long run this is better for you, less cruel for them and it is more than likely what your loved one would have wanted.

Many zombie attacks will start by the forces of evil effecting one person and spreading out through her. Generally in this case the person will be seriously incapacitated just before they change. This is the time to act, it's best to do this without the consent of those around you. Become responsible for looking after them, and when you have them alone gag or suffocate them, then cut their limbs off and decapitate them. Under most circumstances, decapitation is enough. But there's no such thing as overkill in these matters.

Unfortunately if you do this then the zombie problem will either come through another source or go away. Whatever happens you will be left as the bad guy. The best thing for you to do then is leave the country as quickly as possible.

Two: Survive

At this point it is important to stress that many sources argue that there are long-term benefits of being attacked by zombies. One case study involves a man in a cabin in the woods who accidentally played a tape containing passages from the Necronomicon. At first contact with zombies he was unable to even attack the undead. However, by the end of his contact with the undead he was a master marksman who had defended medieval England from undead hordes and could even create a robotic thought-controlled hand using medieval technology.

Zombies have also been known to cure asthma, give people the ability to walk and turn priests into ninjas. However it is worth noting that the treatment only works for one or two people, other people will have to die horrible deaths for this to work. Try not to be one of them.

Three: Weapons

If you are lucky enough to have a gun it is important when fighting zombies to have a lot of ammunition. Even in low-risk situations it is best to bring a zombie survival kit containing ammunition, weapons, explosive chemicals, science textbooks, steam engine diagrams, etc.

If there are no guns to hand don't worry. Many people achieve their best results with close combat weapons. Axes and chainsaws are sound choices, however it is possible to use almost anything. Be creative, wherever you go make a habit of inspecting any sharp objects while looking around to see what the most affective way to use it against the people around you would be.

Other things that can be used are hot objects, corrosive acid and heavy things like irons. If most of the zombies are in one building then set fire to it and get out as quickly as possible. But before doing so make sure that the fire is definitely going to burn the house down quickly. You wouldn't want the fire brigade to get there first and become zombie food.

Three: Run

The most common mistake people make around zombies is to find a house and board yourself up in it. This is a bad idea because Zombies are not very fast creatures. You can generally out-run them without any problems. It is worth noting that if the situation is apocalyptic the military will usually provide the best protection, however, if you are found dazed in a house, you run the risk of getting shot in a case of mistaken identity.

Try to find a place where you can run away from them, and turn back to fire from a distance before starting running again. This is very effective as zombies are also very stupid. They'll continue to follow you until other victims attract their attention.

Again, to take down zombies you need to be creative: plan ambushes, set traps and try to keep ahead of them at all times, close combat is effective. But it's best to be prepared.

Four: Conform

Most zombies are controlled by some supernatural force, however there are some that act independently, these are normally not traditional zombies but undead creatures created through soft-science. For some reason these creatures seem to avoid fighting amongst themselves. So the best way to deal with them is to join their number, roll around in corpses and blood to disguise your human scent and appearance then walk around with their hordes killing Humans. It is best to eat Human flesh with the others. Not doing so may raise suspicions.

Do not try this with supernatural zombies. To some extent these are controlled by a higher being. The evil spirit will be able to tell you apart simply because it can't control you. If you suspect supernatural control don't even experiment with this method.

Five: Leave The Country

After successfully beating back the zombies most people make one fatal mistake. They leave and try to continue their lives as normal productive members of society. At first glance this looks like the best way to act. But consider this scenario.

After a night in a house fighting zombies the army of the dead has finally been defeated. However as usual the cost was high; all of your friends are dead, the building you were staying with has been seriously damaged and you are covered in the blood of zombies. Most people at this stage choose to drive back home. But what do they tell the families of the victims? What happens when the police find the bodies? They won't see a fight between good and evil, they'll see a room full of your dead friends and a weapon with your fingerprints on it. Theyll also get reports that you were the only survivor and you've been sighted wondering around looking shaken covered in blood. Do you seriously expect them to believe that you're friends were already dead when you started chopping them up?

The best thing to do is to flee the country fast and try to get somewhere where they can't find you. It's best to fund this by stealing from your dead friends if possible. If you have friends in the criminal underworld now, remember that you may have to kill them in the zombie attack. Make alternative arrangements that can be carried out from wherever you are in the world when the attack takes place.

[brokendalek]

Very useful, Mack - I'll remember that the next time I'm in the city centre at 3 in the morning!

Congratulations on 1000 btw

[ianm]

erm...hope you're not becoming a regular long unreadable poster mack :D

congrats

[Mack]

thats fine, you dont have to read the whole thing, we will see who gets eaten first.

[flick]

One A: Prepare
Firstly move to a high rise building into at least the 6th floor (balcony is essential). Affix a rope ladder that will reach near enough to the ground or similar to your balcony (obviously do not hang this over your balcony until needed.
Then, stock up on food items and toilet roll. Tins are very good because when you are in the hideout phase of the attack they last a very long time (you need to fill at least the box room with these cans) and if and when the hideout is no longer a viable option, they will make very good weapons, if aimed correctly at the zombies' heads in order to clear your way so that you can drop down your rope ladder, climb down and make a run for it.

[flick]

:D :D :D :D !!!
when did i become "Experienced Member"?
that's made my day! lol, how sad am i!

[Carrotnapper]

did you know you can change your "status" yourself in the user CP?

[flick]

Originally Posted by Carrotnapper

did you know you can change your "status" yourself in the user CP?

lol, nope i haven't messed around with that much. i think i might leave it at Experienced Member for now though, makes me look wise and stuff haha

[Mack]

yes, i was upgraded to design guru, which is a complete fabrication. But ill keep it.

[Carrotnapper]

so if i had the default status then I'd be a design guru!!! cool