Overheard in New York

[James Jones]

Passing tourist: What are you guys waiting for?
Tourist in line: We don't know, but we thought it might be fun.
Passing tourist: Okay! [Gets in line].

--Greene & Grand


Young woman #1: I don't want to apply too many times though, because I don't want to look desperate.
Young woman #2: Oh, how many times have you applied?
Young woman #1: None.

--Diner, 48th & Lexington


Sad, sober friend: I just really miss her, I guess.
Drunk friend: There's no color the sky can't be at any given time. Remember that!

--E 11th & 2nd


Lesbian daughter: Wow, I have such burnt-out memory cells. Not to be confused with my sickle cell.
Sister, laughing: It's all mom's fault! All mom's fault.
Lesbian to mom, screaming and laughing: Why didn't you eat my placenta?! You should've eaten my placenta! You needed to eat my placenta!
Mom, calm as can be: I'm not African. And besides, you have enough people eating your placenta.

--Parking Lot, NYU College


[Class is conjugating Japanese verbs in the "to make someone or let someone" form.]
Student #1: To make someone eat.
Student #2: To make someone sit.
Student #3: To make someone forget. [Beat, then in English.] Wait, how can you make someone forget something?
Japanese teacher, totally serious: Bourne Identity.

--Japanese Class, Columbia University


Overloud teenager #1: You know what I figured out? All this shit we're listening to now... When we're older that shit's gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: Huh?
Overloud teenager #1: That Fitty track. When we're... older and shit, it's gonna be old school. Shit's gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: I don't get it.

--Uptown 1 Train

[Jo Jo]

These are great

[lolly]

Girl #1: So, you didn't go to the show?
Girl #2: Hell no.
Girl #1: My boyfriend tried to make me go.
Girl #2: Why would I want to go? I've slept with like, everyone there. Like I need to see a close up of all of the STDs I've narrowly avoided?

--Double Down, Houston & A




Roommate #1, from kitchen: Hey, have you seen my pot?
Roommate #2: Wait... The one you cook with?
Roommate #1: Yeah.
Roommate #2: Oh! Uh, no.

--Pratt Institute




Girl on cell: Just stay out of the sun and keep your clam shut. Okay, bye.
Friend: Did you just tell her to keep her clam shut?

--Manhattan College




Crazy man in leather pants: Bitches, I seen it all! Bitches, hoes, I done it all... Y'all, who won the Yankees game last night? I said, who won the Yankees game last night?! Can I get a motherf*cking answer? [Pause.] F*ck all y'all, f*ck all y'all n*ggas, black, white, f*ck all y'all white n*ggas [Pause.] B*tches, hoes, Cadillacs! I done it all! F*ck all y'all [Pause.] Peace, love, and respect baby for all. I love all y'all.

--A Train

[MickyO]

College student #1: Yeah, I p*ssed on her, but she was old.
College student #2: It doesn't matter! You f*ckin' p*ssed on a girl!
College student #1: But she was old!
College student #2: Old... young... It doesn't matter! You p*ssed on a b*tch!

--Canal St & Church St


Small child: I'm going to bite you, mom!
Mom: No, wait till we get off the train.

--1 Train



Guy #1: Y'know, I really just need to get it through her head that there's nothing wrong with waking up naked in a Jewish synagogue.
Guy #2: Yeah... I feel that, man.
Guy #1: I mean, now that it's happened more than once, she really needs to realize that it's okay.

--NYU Gallatin Elevator


Guy: I hate coming-of-age stories.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They're boring.
Girl: Yeah, but this one has boobs in it.

--F Train


(mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines)
Mom: Eric, let's go now!
Eric: But Mom, I want one!
Mom: For Christ's sake! Just take one and let's go.
(Eric takes Gay Life)
Mom: Your father is going to kill you.

--80th & 2nd Ave

[Keely Hope]

Bookseller to black girl: Hey, stop -I want to get with you.
Black girl: You can't.
Bookseller: Why not?
Black girl: I got to go.
Bookseller: Where you be Friday night?
Black girl: Jersey.
Bookseller: A'ight. I be there.
Black girl: Too far for you.
Bookseller: I'll travel for pussy. I'm a travellin' man for pussy.
Bookseller's friend: You'd go to Jersey for pussy? That's some crazy desperate shit.

--Washington Place & 6th Ave


Lost barhopper: Hey, do you guys know where MacDougal Street is?
Hipster: Oh, I'm sorry dude. I'm just looking at the size of the f*cking dog over there.

--Bleecker & Jones


Drunken friend #1: That guy at the bar was hot. You totally should've taken him home.
Drunken friend #2: Why me? Let her (points to drunken friend #3) take him home.
Drunken friend #3 (trying to be discreet): Ummmm excuse me? I don't need a man. I have d-i-c-k at home.
Drunken friend #2: Uhh, the rest of the train can figure out what you just spelled.

--Crowded 6 Train


Wall Street guy #1: So I was watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and my son asked: "Dad, what's a lesbian?" I mean, I wish I could tell him about it when he's ready.
Wall Street guy #2: Yeah, so anyway. They have these only boys and only girls birthday parties for the little kids down at Fire Island...
Wall Street guy #1: So you think the parties turn them into lesbians?
Wall Street guy #2: No, I'm just trying to segue into talking about something other than... (looks around train suspiciously) lesbians.

--Downtown 6 Train

[jinny]

NYU professor: And so the Chinese invented statistics to take censuses. (to girl) Would you have been counted?
Girl: Um... Yes?
Guy: No, because they only counted men in the censuses.
Professor: Right, because this was back in the good old days, when men were men and women were washing machines.


Girl to friend: (smiling) I am so happy to have gone to the spa!
Angry preacher passing by: (screaming) You are all going to hell!
Girl to friend: (no longer smiling) I didn't need to hear that.



Giant rasta to his dick: Man, I know one thing for sure, I ain't needing no more to drink tonight! I'm trying to enjoy my night with you, Woody. Woody? Woody? You awake, Woody? Man, I needs me one of them diamond pills already?
Onlooker #1: Is he talking to his shit?
Onlooker #2: I'm sure as hell not Woody.


Mom: You're not cooking anymore. You're awful.
Daughter: I don't like cooking. I'd rather bake.
Mom: Of course you would, you f*cking stoner.


Detective #1: Hurry up, we have a DOA!
Detective #2: Relax, it's just a DOA. It's not like somebody died.


Guy walking small dog: It's crazy that we live so close to each other and I never see you.
Woman walking giant dog: I know it's my fault, I've been crazy busy at work.
Guy: We don't have to make it a big thing -even if we just get together for a half an hour of sex.
Woman: I'm up for that!


Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what "biased" means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.

[lolly]

European male model #1: You know, he's albino.
European male model #2: Albino?
European male model #1: Albino? Albeeno?
European male model #2: Oh, albeeno, I know what that is. Red eyes.
American male model #1: What the ****? Blue eyes, man.
European male model #2: No, red. They don't have enough...
European male model #1: Ferment.
European male model #2: Yeah, not enough fermentation in their eyes. It's biology... That is biology.

--Q Train


Pretty girl looking in mirror: My eyebrows are too small for my face.
Queer friend: My penis is too small for my ego. We learn to deal with it.

--Union Square


Boyfriend: My vibrator is a lot louder than yours.
Girlfriend: Really?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I'm switching to AT&T.

--PATH Train


Music manager on phone: You know what you need? Lesbians! Everyone needs a lesbian.

--20th St & 5th Ave

[conspire]

Hipster #1: Why don't they make cat cheese? You can milk anything with nipples.
Hipster #2: Why don't they make Robert De Niro cheese?

--Franklin Avenue Shuttle


Tall scraggle-tooth guy with eye patch, in hoarse creepy voice: Do you like balloon animals? I like balloon animals!
Startled passerby: What the f*ck ass hell?

--6th Ave & W 8th St


crazy woman talking to self)
Guy sitting next to her: Sorry, did you say something?
Crazy woman: No, I have an ear piercing.
Guy: Oh, in the other ear?
Crazy woman: No, this one (points to the ear closest to him). It's all the way inside my ear. It's Australian.

--Jane St & Greenwich Ave

[mick young]

Coat check girl: Last night Michael came in my eye and it was all puffy and red.
Stripper: Why did he do that?
Coat check: He said he didn't mean it. Usually he goes for my nostrils or my ear. We couldn't go out for dinner for two hours until it died down.
Stripper: Wow.

--Strip Club


Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
(silence)
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
(pause)
Mother: I mean, I've read about the holocaust, but I don't know any specific authors.

--Smith & Sackett, Carroll Gardens


Little boy looking at photos being sold on street: Why do they call it Gay Street?
Dad: They got all kinds of ****** up names for streets in this city.

--Times Square


Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I'm so fat.
Ordinary girl: No you're not. You just got a little belly.
Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah...I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size.
Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.

--NYU

[cerus]

Daughter: This is a really nice dress for my first wedding, no?
Mother: Well, for the next one you will have more money, so you can get something even nicer.

--77th & Madison



Exterminator, running late: Hey, sorry, but I was doin' this guy in the Village -I was foggin' him and bombin' him, the whole nine yards...
Client, snickering: Wish we could get that kind of service here.
Exterminator, oblivious: Well see, he pays extra...

--106th St & Broadway


Fat woman #1, at intermission: Man, these seats are tight!
Fat woman #2: Oh my god, tell me about it! My butt is killing me!
Fat woman #1, to skinny guy sitting in between them: Was I spilling over into your seat?
Skinny guy: You both were.

--New Amsterdam Theatre


Girl #1: Hey look! (whispering) It says "poopy" right there.
Girl #2: (goes to the counter and looks at the sign) That doesn't say "poopy"! It says "poppy"!
Girl #1: Really!? Oh my god! That's so funny!
Girl #2: At first I thought you said they were "booby bagels".

--Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave



Girl, about spiderman 3: It was a great movie if you wanted to see how to be the world's worst boyfriend. All he cared about was himself. I mean, how could he have been so stupid? He...
Guy: You know, it's not always the guy's fault.
Girl: But it was! Were we watching the same movie?
Guy: I can't believe we're arguing about whose fault it was that Peter and Mary Jane broke up.
Girl: It was his fault.

--Union Square



Female bartender: I forgot to tell you, I hired a new bartender. She will be here tonight.
Male bartender: Oh. Is she cute?
Female bartender: Well... She's Asian.
Male bartender: Oh. Asian Asian or cute Asian?
Female bartender: Ehhh... you know.

--Broadway Theater