Overheard in New York

[lolly]

Man, to short man with red hair: What's at the end of the rainbow?
Red-haired man, with Irish accent: Why, it's a bag of hos!

--56th & 3rd


Gangsta #1: ... And then these bitches...
Gangsta #2: Wo-men. N*gga, they're women!

--26th & 8th


New Yorker: So, having a romantic evening in New York?
Tourist: Yeah... I went sex toy shopping last night.

--Columbia University


Hipster girl #1: Yeah, after he got up I told him it would probably be better to look at the girl he's having sex with next time.
Hipster girl #2: Good life lesson.

--Wilburg Café


Mid-western mother to suit crossing against light: Excuse me, sir?
Suit, in mid-intersection: Yes?
Mother: You're setting a bad example for my daughter -crossing against the light.
Suit, continuing on his way: Yes, I am.

--45th & 5th

[Toon]

Teenage JAP #1: Oh, mother of God! Your kids are driving me insane!
Teenage JAP #2: There is no mother of God, you idiot.

--Jerusalem 2 Pizza, Ave J


Four-year-old, walking with father: I can spell "Ma-ma".
Father, to himself: Bitch didn't teach her how to spell my name, did she?

--9th St & 2nd Ave


Six-year-old hippie girl to babysitter: If it's okay with you, can you take Tommy and I to Grey Dog, please?
Six-year-old preppy boy: What's "Grey Dog"?
Six-year-old hippie girl: My favorite coffee shop.

--Bleecker & 6th Ave

[Toon]

Salesperson to small shaking dog: Are you cold or scared?
Man holding small shaking dog: He's afraid of dildos.

--Babeland, LES


Chick: What are you doing this weekend?
Guy: I'm going to a passover rave.
Chick: What the hell is a passover rave?
Guy: That's where we have a Seder, then drop ecstasy and go dancing.
Chick: That is so awesome. Can I come?
Guy: You're not Jewish.

--Waiting Room, Pacific College of Acupuncture Clinic


Boy: You know what, I don't know anyone who has such good taste in fashion as me, and I'm only twelve!
Mom: Honey, stop saying those things. People will think you're arrogant.
Girl: It's only arrogance if you're wrong.

--McDonald's, Times Square


Ghetto girl #1: Oh mah gah, you remember those two girls we saw at that one club last night?
Ghetto girl #2: Which ones? The ones who were trying to pop, lock, and drop it, when they was dropping it before they was locking it?

--Starbucks, Penn Station

[kip]

Queer #1: Dude, I'm so broke! I never have any money!
Queer #2: That's because you buy coke and get your face lasered!

--Vlada


Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I've been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: "You better be getting out of my face!" and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.

--A Train


Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She's five.

--Line, Grace's Market Place


Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I'd be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.

--8th St & Bedford Ave


[Woman walks into restroom with two small girls. Girls notice puke on the floor.]
Girl #1: Mommy, what's that?
Mom: That's puke.
Girl #2: Why did she puke?
Mom: She probably didn't feel well. Mommy's going to do that later because mommy's had way too much to drink!

--T.G.I. Friday's, Staten Island


Guy: That's the house George Washington grew up in.
Girl: Wait, really?
Guy: No, you dumb bitch. Why did I ever marry you?

--70th Ave, Forest Hills, Queens

[cerus]

Dumb teen girl #1: So how did they "almost have sex"?
Dumb teen girl #2: Haha, she said "His dick was like -in my vagina... Except we had clothes on".
Dumb teen girl #1: That's called dry humping. We did that in like - seventh grade!
Dumb teen girl #2: I know.

--1 Train


Woman, yelling into cell: Why you gotta be eatin' all my food for? You a damn crackhead, you don't need no damned food!
Woman sitting next to her, shaking his head: Yeah, food is whack.

--M60 Bus



Blond guy: Hey dude, last week I was sooo drunk.
Brown haired guy: Oh what happened?
Blond guy: I was at a bar, right? ****** drunk. Then I saw this hot girl, took her over to my place and she slept over. We had a great time until we woke up, and the bed was covered in like sixty individually wrapped Kinder chocolates. I have no idea where they came from, neither one of us were German! They were just all over the bed. 'til this day, I still don't know where they came from...
Brown haired: Wow.

--74th St Deli


Teen cashier: I'll need to see some ID.
Female shopper: Ok, here you go.
Teen cashier: [Looks at woman's driver's license.] Oh wow, so you're an organ donor?
Female shopper: Yes.
Teen cashier: Oh my god! Which organ did you donate?

--Trader Joe's, Union Square


Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square... Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square...
Random thug: Shut the **** up!
Conductor: ... Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I'm in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]
Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.

--Shuttle to Times Square