Overheard in New York

[lolly]

Dad: So, your school called today, honey, and do you know what they said?
Six-year-old girl: No, what?
Dad: That they have to check everyone in your class tomorrow for lice!
Six-year-old girl: Hoorayyyyyy!!

--West 4th St Platform


Girl #1: Wow, The Ring and The Grudge were like the scariest movies!
Girl #2: Yeah, I know!
Girl #1: Japanese people are good at scary movies like that. I wonder why?
Girl #2: Probably because of Vietnam.

--NYU


Gal #1: So, we're having a Heath Ledger retrospective this weekend - 10
Things, Knight's Tale and Brokeback Mountain.
Gal #2: Problem -those first two annoy me and the third one made my butt hurt.
Gal #1: Eww! Wow. I can't believe that's all you took away from that movie!
Gal #2: Oh, no, it was from the chair... Not the butt sex...

--Columbus Circle


Girl#1: And he was all like, "Boo hoo, I wish you were here to take care of me. Come snuggle."
Girl#2: Aww! That's sweet.
Girl#1: Ew! No it's not! [after rolling eyes and taking sip of coffee] that's what his f*cking wife is for...
Girl#2: I... Do you hear yourself?
Girl#1: F*ck you!

--NYU

[lamploi79]

these are great

[Kelly Creative]

Barely legal girl: Can we do brunch tomorrow?
Guy: Sure.
Barely legal girl: Good. I like having Saturday plans. I get sad on weekends if I don't wake up in someone else's bed or have plans.

--51st & 9th


British guy: Hey, look, an eye patch. This will look great with my smoking jacket.
British girl: What costume will that be?
British guy: Costume? I just think it will look good.

--Party City, Union Square


Woman: So what do you do?
Man, trying to pick her up: I work for FedEx and do construction on the weekends, that why I'm so jacked.
Woman: Oh you're so smooth, I thought you were a drug dealer.

--34th St & 9th Ave



Large drunk tattooed man: So wha's your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes ...
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you're manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I'm schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don't take 'em, but I get 'em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument


Mother to six-year-old girl: Tomorrow we're going to the doctor's office, then to the dentist...
Six-year-old, whispering: Mmommy, I don't want to go. [louder] They take my my blood. My blood!

--6 Train


Dad: Hey kids, let's stop and take a picture with the famous tree, you've never done that before.
Kid #1: [looking up]... Eh, no thanks, dad.
Kid #2: Yeah dad, we're good.
Dad: ... You kids are gay.

--Rock Center




Crazy hobo, dancing and singing as he walks down the aisle: Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh... Yeahhh yeahhh yeahhh. And now for my grand finale! [pulls emergency break and exits car.]
Angry woman: Oh, hell no. He did not just do that. I knew he was gonna to do that shit.
Friend: Why didn't you trip him or somethin'?
Angry woman: Are you ******' kidding me? And get beat up by a crazy? Did ya'll see that?!
Young woman: **** my life.

--D Train




Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]
Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.

--McDonald's, Bronx




Young suit #1: Dude, you're not even seeing her, so why does it matter what kind of underwear you wear?
Young suit #2: If I'm not wearing the right underwear she yells at me in front of the whole office...

--74th & Amsterdam

[James Jones]

Skeevy vendor to girl purchasing sunglasses: Here, I polish for you.
Girl: Oh, thank you.
Skeevy vendor: You pretty girl. I polish for you. For ugly girls -never.

--St Mark's Place


Six-year-old girl #1: I'm going to write them a very stern letter about this!
Six-year-old girl #2: Who?
Six-year-old girl #1: Global warming!
Six-year-old girl #2: Global warming's not a person, fart-face.

--Court & Degraw St, Brooklyn


5th grader on school trip on train: I wanna sit down!
Teacher, in southern accent: Well I want a small ass but thats not happening either now is it?!

--4 Train


Hipster guy: Have you ever been arrested?
Hipster girl: Yeah, when I was sixteen my friend and I got arrested for shoplifting. It really wasn't that bad. The cops were super cool and we were all joking around and shit and our mugshots were actually pretty cute.

--HopScotch Cafe


Guy: I am really excited about our trip to Germany in the summer. We have to make sure to stop in Frankfurt to meet my family.
Girl: I am kind of nervous about meeting your grandfather since your mom said he was a Nazi and I am Jewish.
Guy: My grandfather is just a mild Nazi. He only believes in the conspiracy theories about Jews.
Girl: Well, I don't care that your grandfather's a Nazi. I love you.

--1 Train

[flick]

this is one of my favourite threads. just had to share that.

[Toon]

mine too

[lolly]

Thug #1: I got pain in my legs and arthritis in my balls.
Thug #2: Damn, you f*cked, n*gga!
Thug #1: That's some category 10 pain!

--White Castle, 36th St & 8th


Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.

--Grand Central Terminal


["Umbrella" by rihanna is being loudly played.]
Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is totally what you hear before you start shooting kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, excuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it's like your pump-up jam.

--E 10th St & 2nd Ave


Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don't play these mind games with me!

--23rd & 8th

[Kelly Creative]

Chick: Since we broke up you've been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You shouldn't smoke.
Guy: You shouldn't suck so much dick but you don't hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]
Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!

--B Train


Guy #1: Man, do you think *Jane is hot?
Guy #2: I mean she's smart, but I wouldn't say she's hot. Why do you think she's into you?
Guy #1: Well, I think that she thinks I'm arrogant, but I'm not. It just comes off that way because I'm really insecure, my confidence is all fake.
Guy #3: Hey, I think that girl is listening to us... And she's laughing.
Guy #1: Anyway... Can we please talk about my insecurities for a while, we never talk about me.

--Metro North


Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: ... From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad's dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.

--Churchill's

[Toon]

Hot drunk girl #1: Hey, Alice, can Asian people have dreadlocks?
Hot drunk guy: No, you have to be black or Jewish.
Hot drunk girl #2: I'm Jewish!

--Houston & Broadway


College boy #1: Do you think when we get there we can...
[Five second pause.]
College boy #2: What?
College boy #1: Sorry, I had to concentrate. I had to fart.

--Crosstown Bus


Boy waving banana: Want this?
Frustrated girl: I don't need a banana, I have a boyfriend.

--College Walk, Columbia University


Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see white people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

--C Train


Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don't celebrate Easter--we're Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It's not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

--Times Square


Guy with thick New York accent: Come on, let's go.
[Dog lies down on back.]
Guy: Don't do that Mahatma Gandhi shit!

--Washington Square Dog Run


Girl: He says that she is his soulmate. Is he f*cking kidding me?
Guy: She is a semen-gurgling road whore.

--Subway Inn, 60th St, UES


Little boy, shouting and grabbing magic wand from his sister: No! I wanna be Hermione! It's my turn to be Hermione!
Little girl: Be Harry! His magic's better!
Little boy: But Hermione's clothes are so much cooler!

--Barnes and Noble, E 86th St

[Kelly Creative]

Fat crackhead woman: Where you been?
Well dressed businessman: Around... Where you been?
Fat crackhead woman: Lockup!

--Starbucks, Harlem



Party girl #1: My hands have always been the biggest of the group.
Party girl #2: Yea... So?
Party girl #1: If I had a wiener it would be huge.

--2 Train


Loud chick on cell: So I told him he's gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn't do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me...

--37th & Broadway


Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that's a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa's got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend's pop. So now I'm getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -'cause that's the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?

--85th & Columbus Ave


Man to teenage girls: Do you and your friends like to wrestle? I swear to god I could take you all.

--Times Square