Overheard in New York

[Laura Lynne]

Black lady: Listen, you camel jockey, I don't care what you say, you was wrong to do that!
Middle Eastern man: Oh, shut up, you stupid n*gga! I'm tired of hearing your sh*t! Go f*ck yourself!
Black woman passerby: Oh my god, who the hell are you to be talking to my beautiful black sister like that?! You ain't got no right to talk to anybody black like that!
Black lady: B*tch, who the sh*t are you? Don't be talkin' to my husband like that!

--W 4th St station



Nerd chick: So, are you gonna see Ahmadinejad speak today, or go to the rally or anything?
Bimbette: Nah... I thought maybe I would, but then I realized I could totally just wait 'til it comes out on YouTube or whatever. It's like, why even bother?

--Barnard College


Five-year-old boy pointing at large statue of naked man: Look how small his whizzer is, Mommy!
Mother: It's not nice to point, Jake.
Five-year-old boy: But he's not a real person... Look how small it is!

--Time Warner Center Mall


Drunk guy #1: That's not even right, man. That girl is too hot to be standing next to that fugly woman.
Drunk guy #2: Excuse me, ma'am, could you move a few steps to the left? You're upsetting my friend.

--7 train


Thugette: I just want to go some place where I feel comfortable.
Thug: I just want to go some place where I can **** on you.

--East Village


Tourist guy: How do I get to Essex Street from here?
New Yorker guy: Go down about seven or eight blocks, make a left, and ask somebody there.

--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave


Girl #1: I hope if I ever go back to London, I run into that French guy I hooked up with last time.
Girl #2: Well, maybe when you go back you'll meet a new French guy.
Girl #1: Looking specifically to meet French guys in London? I dunno, that seems like looking to buy a bra in a hardware store.
Girl #2: Yeah, but imagine you find that perfect B-cup in amongst the drills and such.

--C train

[Kelly Creative]

NYU brat #1: So, did you guys end up hooking up, or what?
NYU brat #2: Yeah, we dry-humped for, like, an hour.
NYU brat #1: Dry-humped?! What are we, back in, like, eighth grade?
NYU brat #2: What, you haven't heard? Dry-humping is sooo back in.

--NYU


Girl #1: Oh my god, my roommate is so weird. She keeps farting, but I don't smell anything.
Girl #2: She must be anorexic.
Girl #1: True! I didn't think of that. I'm so glad I'm friends with someone that got a scholarship!

--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway


Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin'? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

--Times Square

[Laura Lynne]

Agitated Indian woman on platform, unable to board: You! You in the orange shirt! Do you speak English?
Asian woman in orange shirt: ... Yes.
Agitated Indian woman: Could you move into the center of the car? Move in, move in! Move in so we can get on!
Asian woman: I am moved in. I'm in the exact center of the car!
Agitated Indian woman: No, there is room! Orange shirt, move in!
Asian woman: I can't go anywhere. I don't know what you expect me to do.
Agitated Indian woman: [String of expletives in Hindi.]
Asian woman, under breath: Psycho.

--Crowded N train, 59th St stop


Black guy #1, to white posse passersby: I hate white people!
Black guy #2: Yo, you can't say that -- this is Park Slope!
Black guy #1: **** that -- I am white.
Black guy #2: What, you mean by proxy or something?

--Union St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn


Dude #1: They don't give you condoms?
Dude #2: Naw, they don't.
Dude #1: You serious, man? No condoms?!
Dude #2: Yeah, I'm serious -- they don't give out condoms!
Dude #1: Really... They don't give you condoms in prison, huh?
Dude #2: Naw, man, not unless you have conjugal visits or somethin'.

--M11 bus


Guy to friend, about Grindhouse double-feature: That was ******* awesome.
Old guy in front of them: You didn't actually like that, did you?
Guy: I did! I thought it was hilarious.
Old guy: Yeah, it was as funny as a dead child's toy.

--83rd & 2nd


Big thug #1: ... And I was like, 'No f*ckin' way.'
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.

--14th & 6th

[Miss Leona]

Chick #1: Can you hand me my eye drops? They're in my bag.
Dude: What do you need them for?
Chick #1: My eye-ritis.
Dude: Wait... Eye-ritis? Like arthritis?
Chick #1: Yeah...
Chick #2: Guess how she got it? She slapped herself! [Laughs.]
Chick #1: And now I probably have AIDS.

--Columbia University


Man: Yeah, I'm from the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.
Professor: Oh? Do you commute here?
Man: No, sir... It's over a seven-hour drive.
Professor: Oh, yes... Right. Pennsylvania...

--W 12th St, New School


Rich girl to friend: I couldn't decide between the Marc Jacobs sweater and the Dior jacket. It was like Sophie's Choice.

--Outside NYU dorm


Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!

--93rd & Broadway

[MickyO]

Old man: Where are the seat numbers?
Usher: On the right.
Old man: When I'm facing which way?

--Helen Hayes Theater, 44th St


Girl #1: So, I heard your sister slept with another guy last night...
Girl #2: Yeah, I know. I love her, because she's, like, my sister and all. But seriously, she's going to get a ******* disease.
Girl #1: It's really easy to. I mean, I only sleep with girls, and remember when I got one?

--Line for Ani D. concert, Central Park


Man: That was pretty good.
Woman: Yeah, it reminded me of that movie with the White Witch.
Man: 101 Dalmatians?
Woman: Right.

--Loews Theatre


Little girl: Mommy, I'm hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.

--Ferry to Ellis Island

[lolly]

Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain't you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what's it to ya?
Guido chick: It's me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin' all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin', babe, workin'.
Guido chick: Workin' on what?
Thug: It's pickpocket season. Now's the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin' from my family! I'll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don't worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.


Girl: Well, she was clearly hurt. Her eye swelled up like a monkey's vagina!
Guy: What? Like a monkey's vagina?
Girl: Yeah, when they're in heat.
Guy: Ohhh... Only monkeys' vaginas swell?


Tourist woman: How do I get to Times Square?
Skinny blonde: Take a train as far north as possible.
Asian male passerby: You do not want to do that.
Tourist woman: Why do New Yorkers always lie?!
Skinny blonde: I'm not from here. I live in L.A. Everyone there lies.
Tourist woman: So how do you know where to go?
Skinny blonde: We're all psychic, too.


Bimbette #1: Dykes just don't look good with faux-hawks.
Bimbette #2: Well, I guess it gives them something else to sit on... depending on how much gel they use.

[MickyO]

Homeless guy: Yo, yo. Can I get a donation to my broke-ass foundation?
Hipster guy: Sorry, dude.
Homeless guy: Aww, come on brother. Just pretend that you love me.


Man in paper hat, leather jacket covered in soda can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don't understand her language. I'm better off with... [Steps back to peer at magazine a girl is reading] I'm better off with that one. What's her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I'm better off with Tyra.


Cashier: Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.
Customer: Thanks. Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi around here?
Cashier: Well, you are in Midtown Manhattan, so it's pretty easy.
Customer: Thanks.
Cashier: Where are you from?
Customer: Staten Island.
Cashier, under breath: Figures...

[Design-Disaster]

Originally Posted by MickyO

Little girl: Mommy, I'm hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.

--Ferry to Ellis Island

[lolly]

Four-year-old girl screaming: IT IS MY MONEY AND I WANT IT BACK!
Shockingly calm but exhausted Dad: No Sarah, it is OUR money.
Sarah [chanting over and over while stomping her feet.]: IT IS MY MONEY! I WANT IT BACK!

--Bank, Madison Ave & E 65th


Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That's doubtful.

--Times Square


Young Man #1: No, no no no!
Young Man #2: You're wrong and they're wrong.
Young Man #1: Naw, man, look-
Young Man #2: You are WRONG and they are WRONG.
Young Man #1: They can't, it's not like-
Young Man #2: A psychiatrist is a DOCTOR, man.
Young Man #1: So is a massage therapist!

--39th & 12th


Middle Aged Woman: I'd like to get some hard salami, but I'd like to see it first.
Serious Deli Man: You would like to see my hard salami? [goes to get it and brings it out to show her]
Woman: Is it very hard salami? How hard is the salami?
Serious Deli Man: Ma'am, I don't think it is hard enough for you.

--Fairway Market


Guy #1: Hey...Sam?
Guy #2: No...Sam's my brother.
Guy #1: Oh...sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we're brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don't look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.

--37th & 3rd

[lolly]

Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm already here. I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren't.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm telling you, I'm Jesus. How do you know I'm not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!

--6 Train


Black guy #1: Lady, don't sit next to that man, he's got aids, mother****er.
Black guy #2: Who you talkin' bout aids? I went to prison for ten years and I don't have no aids. Peace, brother.
Black guy #1: I tell you he got aids, mother****er!
Black guy #2: Peace, brother, peace.
Black guy #1: Aids, mother****er!

--PATH Train


Blonde #1: ... So, he was like, sitting there, and she needed to take a tinkle, so, you know... She opened the door and a truck just smashed into her, and the car... Like, totally.
Blonde #2: Oh my god. I hope he had insurance.
Blonde #1: Yeah, me too.

--Union Square


Straight guy #1: I saw this show on TV about guys who would date girls even if they have a penis 'cuz they were so hot!
Straight guy #2: Penis is definitely the deal breaker for me.

--187th St & Broadway


Professional woman #1: He's great, he doesn't mind my excess body hair.
Professional woman #2: Good men are so hard to find.

--48th St between 5th & 6th


Parsons student #1: He always said he'd dump me if I cheated.
Parsons student #2: Do you really think he'd dump you?
Parsons student #1: I cheated five times.
Parsons student #2: Jesus.
Parsons student #1: I'm easily flattered!

--Loeb Hall, E 12th St


Mother, to four-year-old boy who has just slapped a little girl: Why did you do that?! Give me a reason right now. I demand a reason, now!
Four-year-old boy: I have to control her.

--East Broadway


Girl #1: I don't understand why he was so upset. It's not like I was being insensitive or anything.
Girl #2: Are you serious? You asked him if he had aids!
Girl #1: Yea, but only because he said he was gay!

--Penn Station


Young guy to his friend: As least if she's got diarrhea, I won't need the lube.
Friend: Dude. That's gross. Like I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Guy: Well I mean it sounds gross and if you get past the smell, it's pretty kick ass. Awesome texture man!
Friend: You've done this before?!
Guy: The first time, I didn't want to. But afterwards, I was thinking of sneaking her laxatives cuz it was so rad. But dude! I lucked out, she has digestive issues!
Friend: What the hell did NYU do to you?

--F Train