Overheard in New York

[Toon]

Girl #1: How often do you get wet?
Girl #2: Oh my god, we're in public!
Girl #1: Well, I was just wondering, because everybody back home thinks you're such a slut!
Girl #2: **** off! At least I'm not a fire crotch!
Girl #1: Don't you ever call me that ever again, or I'll delete you off my Top Eight on MySpace!


Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?

[lolly]

Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.

--JCPenney bridal registry


Girl: I'm sorry I kicked you into a VIP table. I love you.
Guy: I'm sorry I called you a slut. I love you, too.

--L train


American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!

--JFK

[Toon]

I just don't think I can do that on pastels.

Quality!!!

[lolly]

Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.

--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway


Male college student: Hmmm... I think maybe I'll order something.
Horny female companion: You should, since we both know you haven't eaten anything today.
Male college student: Oh, no -- I had lunch earlier...
Horny female companion: That was a sexual innuendo, stupid.

--Starbucks, 115th & Broadway

[Kelly Creative]

Guy #1: Dude, you know what I realized? I really miss Allison*.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Like, we talk on IM, but I haven't seen her since the summer, and I was just such a dick at the end, y'know?
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: I told her we should hang out over break.
Guy #2: Yeah... You wanna get a beer?
Guy #1: Are you even listening?
Guy #2: Yeah. Hey, you want Thai?
Guy #1: Unbelievable. Next time you come crying to me about how the girl in your building has a boyfriend, I'm gonna hang up on you.
Guy #1: This might be the gayest conversation we've ever had.
Guy #2: Agreed. Can we go Saki-bombing?

--49th St




Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
Old man: Sure.
Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the **** you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the ******' liquor store! ... I said, the ******' line fo' the ******' liquor store! You ******' retarded? I said the ******'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor!

--Outside liquor store, Webster Ave


Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

--Q11 bus, Queens

[LeadMagnet]

rofl, those new yorkers are hilarious.

[Toon]

Four-year-old kid, picking nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]
Mom: Where the f*ck did you get that? Your nose? What the f*ck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Ummm...
Mom: That's f*cking gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid's wrist and shakes vigorously until booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]

--A train

[Kelly Creative]

Black teen #1: Word up, nigga.
Older black man: No, no, no, sister. Don't use the N-word. Please. Anything but that. Show some respect for your sisters and brothers.
Black teen #2: F*ck you, nigga! You're not my father!

--B train


Sales guy: Are you going to Google me?
Queer: I don't know, are you Google-able?

--Saks Fifth Avenue




Drunk: See, my wife's from Portugal and I'm from Italy -- I want my reparations tonight!
Wife: Not at this rate.
Drunk: Oh, I am so sleeping on the couch tonight.

--Penn Station




Employee: That'll be $2.79
Customer who ordered Hi-C and fries: Why wasn't the Hi-C 99 cents?
Employee: You didn't ask for the 99-cent one.
Customer: Well, I want the 99-cent one. I'm not Sean John... I look like Sean John... I'm related to Sean John.

--Wendy's, 56th & 8th

[Kelly Creative]

Strange guy: Excuse me, NYU students?
Guy #1: Yeah?
Strange guy: I'm your biggest rival.
Guy #1: Huh?
Strange guy: Columbia. Law school. I'm coming for you.
Guy #1: Okay...
Strange guy: Employer sees résumé from NYU, résumé from Columbia, always picks Columbia.
Guy #1: Okay. Have a nice day.
Strange guy: I'm coming for you, trust fund baby.
Guy #2: I'm sure that Columbia résumé makes up for not having a penis...
Guy #1: Trust fund baby?
Strange guy: Columbia. [Flicks them off and leaves.]

--Starbucks, Astor Pl & Lafayette


Student #1: I finally finished that annotated bibliography.
Student #2: Oh, that's not due until Thursday.
Student #1: Thursday?
Student #2: Yeah, didn't you get the e-mail?
Student #1: E-mail?!
Student #2: Well, it was mentioned in class on Tuesday.
Student #1: Class?!

--NYU




Ragged man: You know, the president wears suits like these.
Employee: Oh, really? How do you know?
Ragged man: That doesn't matter, but I do know that the Secret Service is just a tailoring shop that makes the president's clothes.
Employee: I see... How do you know that?
Ragged man: I used to be the president!

--55th & Madison

[Kelly Creative]

Drunk guy: Do you dare me to lick this pole?
Girl: I don't have my camera on me, so not right now. Maybe some other time.

--Queens-bound F train




Black guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Maryland.
Black guy: Cool. I've seen The Wire. I know how you guys get down.

--Times Square




Thug: Lookin' fine, snowflake.
Blonde: Wait... Did that guy just call me a snowflake? That's good, right?
Friend: I feel a new screen name coming on...

--Bleecker & Sullivan