Overheard in New York

[lolly]

Suit #1: You took stock market advice from Kevin?!
Suit #2: Yeah. So?
Suit #1: He works at ******* Wendy's!

English teacher: Midas wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. What did he touch?
Student: His stuff...?
English teacher: Let's not even go there.

Young girl: I'm bored.
Father: Okay, let's play the state name alphabet game.
Young girl: Yay!
Father: Okay, here we go -- A?
Young girl: Alabama!
Father: Good. B?
Young girl: Bolivia!
Father: No, that's a city in Spain. Try again.
Young girl: ... I can't!
Father: That's because there are no states beginning with B! Ha! Gets you every time! Okay -- C?
Young girl: Carolina!
Father: Eh, I shouldn't really give you credit for that... but I guess this time... D?
Young girl: Dashwood!
Father: Dashwood?! What the **** is Dashwood?! This game is over.

[Toon]

Hobo: Spare some change?
Man offering a take-out bag: Here, take this. It's cheese fries.
Hobo: Cheese fries? No, no, I can't eat that.
Man: What?
Hobo: I want a real meal!


Girl #1: I'm lucky that my parents are helping out with the rent. Otherwise I'd be, like, eating rice.
Girl #2: Hey, that's what I eat! You should practice a little Asian sensitivity.
Girl #1, minutes later: It's not like you just sit around all day eating rice. You're the one being rice-ist!


Little boy leaving temple: Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!
Mother: Kyle!
Little boy: What? It's a new word I learned in Jew school today!
Mother: Hebrew school!
Little boy, in a whisper: Schmuck...

[Kelly Creative]

Guy #1: Dude, you won't believe this -- I walked by the printer at work today, and sitting there was a one-page list of every employee's salary.
Guy #2: Really? Did you see how much Chuck makes?
Guy #1: No! I didn't look -- you can't look! It's like looking into the sun, or like looking at your mom naked: you want to do it, but you know it's wrong.
Guy #2, disgusted: ... You didn't just say that, right?

Columbia guy #1: Isn't that kind of stupid that you didn't wear a condom, as far as STDs go, though?
Columbia guy #2: No, nobody actually has STDs.
Columbia guy #1: Are you serious?
Columbia guy #2: Listen, STDs are something you learn about in health class but don't actually exist in the real world. I mean, even if they did, nobody here would have them.

[picky-very-picky]

Bag lady: Don't you call me no grandma! That ain't right. I'm a 'nana,' not a 'grandma.'
Hobo: I ain't call you no grandma -- I called you a old lady.
Bag lady: Oh, okay. Yeah, that's right, 'cause I ain't no grandma!

Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!

Girl: It's my last night in New York. I sooo want to get laid.
Guy: Honey, you are so in the wrong place for that.
Girl: What? I have an asshole, too!

[Toon]

Woman in ad on TV: 'Watch these wrinkles disappear--'
Little boy nearby: --With Photoshop!


Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it's made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone -- beans has titties?



Little boy sitting on dad's shoulders and crying: But I make good decisions! I want to take a taxi! I don't want to take the bus! I make good decisions. Why doesn't anybody listen to meee?!
Dad: Honey, because you're three.
Little boy, sobbing and hailing a cab: Taxi!


Girl #1: Did you know that there's a cheeseburger that costs a thousand dollars?
Girl #2: What is it made out of? Panda meat?

[picky-very-picky]

Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power.
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power for quite some time now.
Dude #2: What are you, a supervillain? Who's been underestimating your power? The justice league?
Dude #1: No, the electric company. They say I owe them eight hundred dollars.
Dude #2: Dude, you and I were having two totally different conversations.


Thug #1, pointing out window: Yo, you see her? That my brother baby mother!
Thug #2: That your baby mother?
Thug #1: Nah, that my baby mother brother! No, wait...


Cashier #1: ... And then she told me she got high on ecstasy by accident last night.
Cashier #2: By accident?
Cashier #1: Yeah. She was at his house and saw a little white thing on the coffee table, and that bitch thought it was a mint.


Little girl, holding up expensive candle: Oooh! Smell this!
Older sister: Smells like a cheap hooker.


Stuffy white lady pushing stroller, to friend: I can't believe people are actually taking Justin Timberlake seriously these days.
Hipster crossing East: He brought sexy back, bitch! What the hell did you do?

[Toon]

Blonde teen: She stole all my f*cking condoms!
Brunette teen: Wait, are we still talking about your mom? [Blonde nods.] Well, tell her she needs to buy you a new pack.
Blonde teen: I did! She denies that she stole them! She's such a liar -- I saw a couple in the toilet this morning.

[Toon]

Teacher: Ben, you got a six out of ten. That's not great.
Ben: Mr. L*, I'm gonna tell you my life motto. It is, 'If you push me over the edge, I will grab you by the neck and pull you down with me... And then push you into Hell.'


Father buying lightsaber: Just drop it! He wanted this one!
Mother: But it's the dark side! You're not supposed to join the dark side!


Brit: How drunk are you right now?
Chick: Well, if I slept with him, I probably would remember it.
Brit: Probably?
Chick: Yeah -- like, you know, when you have sex and you wake up in the middle of it and you're like, 'What the **** is going on?'
Brit: Ummm, like when you're being raped?
Chick: No, like when you blackout and wake up in the middle of boning. I don't think I'm that drunk, though.
Brit: Wow, he has no idea what he's in for tonight!


Lady: Are these cats for sale?
Man selling cats on the street: I'll be set up in half an hour. Come back then. [Lady walks away.] And bring your cigarettes with you so we can inhale your cancer! [Turning to two teen onlookers.] Not everything I say is a pick-up line.

[picky-very-picky]

Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this b*tch!
Black guy: What the f*ck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!


Hot chick #1: So, I'm doing the AIDS walk this year with my sister...
Hot chick #2: Oh, cool! I'll totally sponsor you!
Hot chick #1: Oh, no, that's okay -- you already bought a gift for my puppy shower.
Hot chick #2: It's not about you, Samantha, it's about AIDS!


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let's go!


Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?


Guy: I have to go to the drug store. I'm all out of condoms.
Girl: I found one on the subway!

[Toon]

Old lady: My grandson Brad and his Jewish wife had a baby.
Old man: That's very nice. And they're all doing well?
Old lady: I guess.
Old man: What is the baby's name?
Old lady: I don't know. Some long Jewish name.
Teenager: They named her 'Amy,' Grandma. Her name is Amy.



Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.