Overheard in New York

[mick young]

Ditzy blonde: I know you'll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it's stupid. Here, I'll be your life coach: **** psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don't get fired this time. You're fixed now.

--Metro North-Harlem


Younger guy: She was a bit fatter than I expected.
Older guy: Well, you still did the deed though?
Younger guy: Yes, of course I did. I had the beer goggles on to protect me but it was hard to keep the cattle prod charged.
Older guy: Well, it's not the pussy's fault.

--42nd & Avenue of the Americas


Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as ****.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit.
Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes?
Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed.
Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.

--4 Train


Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I'd choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you'd one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I've been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That's all I do.

--West Side Highway

[James Jones]

Mom pushing stroller: May I have some of your croissant?
Little girl in stroller: Yeah, but not daddy.
Mom: Oh, you don't want daddy to have any of your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want to control who gets to eat your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want control of your croissant?
Little girl: ...yeah.
Mom: You want croissant power?
Little girl: (silence)
Mom: You want to be Captain croissant?
Little girl: (silence)

--Park Slope


Old lady: Excuse me, could you help me move these bags?
Young teen (looking a bit confused and ****** off): Um. Sure.
(the teen moves the bags around the cart)
Old lady: Thank you. Could you help me pull up my pants?
Young teen: No, I cannot help you pull up your pants. I came here for some Advil, not to help you pull up your goddamn pants.

--CVS, 92nd & Amsterdam


Man: Yeah, my mother raised me right. I make sure I eat breakfast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sardines and grits every day.
Woman: Sardines?
Man: Hell, yes. Sometimes I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don't matter if they just ate or nothing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usually give them a little of whatever I cook. You know, and then they either eat it or they don't. They like turn their heads away if they don't like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

--B26 Bus, Brooklyn


(Asian guy cuts in front of black guy in suit and starts peeing into toilet)
Black guy in suit: I was here first.
Asian guy: I have to go more.
Black guy in suit: Move or I am going to p*ss on your back, motherf*cker.
(Black guy now stands side by side with Asian guy at toilet, both actually peeing into same toilet while trying to push each other away)

--W 4th Pizza Place

[James Jones]

Teenage Spanish girls: Mister, mister! Where'd you get that belt?
Guy: (mumbles)
Girl #1: You know that's the gay belt, right? That belt is gay, yo.
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the gay belt. You better take that shit off! Are you gay?
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #1: Then take that shit off man! You can't have a gay belt. What store did you get it at? Didn't they tell you when you bought it? Mister, you better return that shit to the store!
Girl #3: Maybe he's bi. Hey mister, it's okay if you're bi. I mean, I like eating pussy.

--Uptown N Train


Girl #1: Do I have a camel toe?
Girl #2: No, you're good.
Girl #1: Thanks for being a good friend and looking at my vagina.

--109th St & Amersterdam


Dude: I'm thinking about going to the Philharmonic concert tonight in Central Park.
Chick: Hmm, interesting. I just don't know that I could sit through a harmonica concert.
Dude: No, no, it's the *Phil* harmonic concert.
Chick: Oh! (pause) Who is that?

--Penn Station


Young hippie girl: So you're too tired to go to the Empire State Building and you're too hot to go on the boats? So basically you don't love me.
Old, sweaty, stressed guy (laughing): We're here again?

--Central Park

[El Peligroso]

Originally Posted by James Jones

Young hippie girl: So you're too tired to go to the Empire State Building and you're too hot to go on the boats? So basically you don't love me.
Old, sweaty, stressed guy (laughing): We're here again?

ahh... been there (not the Empire State Building by the way)

[Liliya]

Young child: Can I have some candy?
Older brother: No, I'm not supposed to share. See (points to writing on label) it says do not share.

--Pathmark, Queens



Asian chick: Yeah, we're sisters!
White chick: Don't you mean "sistas"?
Asian chick: Oh, yeah, right.
White chick: Why is it I have to teach you ghetto language when I am the least ghetto person I know?
Homeless guy: What's wrong with the ghetto?
White chick: Nothing's wrong with the ghetto. I'm just not from there.
Homeless guy: The biggest dicks are in the ghetto!

--33rd St & 3rd Ave


Girl: 12 son!
Guy: What?
Girl: That's my number.
Guy: Who was the 12th?
Girl: Some guy that picked me up off the side of the road, literally.
Guy: Well, did he at least pay you for it?
Girl: No, I felt bad that he had to take me home, so I paid him... with my vagina.

--Central Park

[James Jones]

Guy in line for hot dog: Oh, so you're pregnant?
Woman in line (looks at stomach): Nope, just fat.

--Hot Dog Vendor near WTC


Asian woman #1 (reading ad for tv show): This looks kind of like Dynasty. You know, rich people stabbing each other in the back.
Asian woman #2: Oh, please. Look--the whole cast is white. I see conniving white people all day at work: why watch them again when I get home?

--4 Train


Chubby Hispanic guy: I got soap on a rope, dude.
Manly black guy: And I got scissors, baby.

--W 34th St
\

20-something girl (following older man and sniffing him): Mmmmmmm.
Older man (letting her pass): Excuse me?
Girl: Sorry about that. You smell like my boyfriend. And he dumped me two days ago. (eyes well up)
Older man: Well, you're making me nervous. Keep on walking, honey.

--4 Train

[James Jones]

Little boy: Mommy, mommy! Can I get a hot dog please?
Mom: No.
Little boy: Please? Why not?
Mom: Remember that time you drank your pee pee juice?
Little boy: But that was yummy!

--Time Square


Old black woman: What's this now?
Middle aged black woman: Three Mo Tenors. They're like The Three Tenors. Sing Italian, opera, Broadway, gospel...
Old black woman: So, they're Italian?
Middle aged black woman: No. See that sign? It says Three Mo Tenors. That means they're like us.

--W 42nd St b/w 9th & 10th


Guy: Did you look at my resume?
Girl: Yeah. It was pretty good, but I made a couple of changes. I added "pussy" to your interests.
Guy: Great idea! It makes me sound more diverse.

--Lafayette


Boyfriend: Let's pawn the ring you have. It'll be, like, $800 towards the real thing.
Girlfriend: That's ghetto.
Boyfriend: No, that's super-sizin'.

--US Airways Flight


Photographer #1: I keep trying to get reservations at [famous restaurant], but they only have ones for 10:00 pm.
Photographer #2: Yeah, nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
Photographer #1: Yeah, totally.
Photographer #2: No, it's a joke. It's Yogi Berra. "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
Photographer #1: I don't get it.
Photographer #2: You're an idiot.

--Bryant Park


Disoriented stranger to random businessman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the bus to New York?
Random businessman: This is New York.
Disoriented stranger: This is?!
Random businessman: Yeah, you're in New York.
Disoriented stranger: Ooh! Really?! Oh, now I see!

--5th Ave & 48th St


Lady #1: Don't push me, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: I can't tell you is pregnant from behind.

--Downtown 6 Train


Confused tourist: Excuse me, can you help us? We're trying to get to New York.
New Yorker: You are in New York.
Confused tourist: I'm sorry, I meant New York City.

--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

[James Jones]

(little boy has a Hot Wheels car and he's rolling it all over everything around him)
Boy: Mom, can I roll it on your head?
Mom: No, you'll mess up my hair.
Boy: Your arms?
Mom: Yeah, sure.
Boy: Your chest?
Mom: No, that's not appropriate.
Boy: Okay...your nipples?
Mom: That's definitely not appropriate.
Boy (disappointed): Aaww...

--6 Train


White guy: Where do you live?
White girl: The Upper East Side. Where do you live?
White guy: I just moved to the city, I live in Harlem.
White girl: Oh, that must be scary.
White guy: Nah, it's not scary. I'm from Northwestern Florida so I mean I'm used to black people...plus, I play basketball.
White girl (nods in complete agreement): Oh, you're fine then.

--Bowery Bar


Old hipster walking by group of young hipsters, waiting at an apartment door: Oh, look at you all! Didya get all dressed up to come to the city? "Oh look at me, I'm a little hipster, look at me, I'm so pretty! I'm so special and pretty! Look at me! Oh! I'm waiting to get into a hipster party!"
Young hipster #1: Look at you man, you're all by yourself.
Young hipster #2: And you're wearing a ******* cowboy hat.

--1st & 13th


Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am.

--Uptown F Train

[El Peligroso]

Originally Posted by James Jones

White guy: Where do you live?
White girl: The Upper East Side. Where do you live?
White guy: I just moved to the city, I live in Harlem.
White girl: Oh, that must be scary.
White guy: Nah, it's not scary. I'm from Northwestern Florida so I mean I'm used to black people...plus, I play basketball.
White girl (nods in complete agreement): Oh, you're fine then.

--Bowery Bar

[velina]

Mom pushing stroller: May I have some of your croissant?
Little girl in stroller: Yeah, but not daddy.
Mom: Oh, you don't want daddy to have any of your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want to control who gets to eat your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want control of your croissant?
Little girl: ...yeah.
Mom: You want croissant power?
Little girl: (silence)
Mom: You want to be Captain croissant?
Little girl: (silence)

My fav!