Friday Joke

[Kelly Creative]

Someone tell me a joke??

[Toon]

This is a apparently true story form the Word Perfect Helpline:-
Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is apparently suing the Word Perfect Organisation for :Termination without cause!!

(o=helpdesk operator; c=client)
o: Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?
c: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Wordperfect
o: What sort of trouble?
c: Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words just went away.
o: Went away?
c: They disappeared.
o: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?
c: Nothing
o: Nothing?
c: Its blank, and it won’t accept anything when I type.
o: Are you still in wordperfect or did you get out?
c: How do I tell
o: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?
c: What is a sea-prompt?
o: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
c: There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
o: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
c: What is a monitor?
o: The thing with the screen on that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
c: I don’t know
o: Well, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it, can you see that?
c: Yes I think so
o: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
c: ..........Yes it is
o: When you were behind the monitor did you notice there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
c: No
o: Well, there are. I need you to look back there agaian and find the other cable
c: ..........Okay here it is
o: Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.
c: I cant reach
o: Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
c: No
o: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
c: Oh its not because I dont have the rihgt angle - its because its dark
o: Dark?
c: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window
o: Well turn the office light on then
c: I can’t
o: No? Why not?
c: Because there is a power outage
o: A power ... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
c: Well, yes. I keep them in the closet
o: Good. Go get them, unplug your machine and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you got it from
c: Really, is it that bad
o: Yes, Im afraid it is
c: Well alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
o: Tell them you are too ****ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!!!!

[Laura Lynne]

people must be running out

[Bassoonjedi]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

[Bassoonjedi]

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

[Toon]

A man goes into the wood to hunt for bears. He creeps through the undergrowth until he comes to a clearing where he sees a bear. Taking careful aim with his gun he shoots at the bear. There is a tremendous bang, a flash and lots of smoke. When the air clears he walks forward to find his prey—but there is no sign of the bear.

The man looks all around the clearing in increasing bewilderment when suddenly he feels hot breath on his neck and a tap on his shoulder. Turing slowly around he finds himself staring at the midriff of a very ******-off, grizzly bear.

“You ****ing twat!” snarled the bear. “Coming up here with your gun and ruining my afternoon. I’m going to teach you such a lesson; drop your trousers.”
The man has little option but to comply and the bear proceeds to bugger him into insensibility.

As you can imagine the hunter is somewhat traumatised by the experience and staggers back to town in a state of shock. Upon recovering, he becomes consumed with a desire for revenge. He purchases a machine gun and returns to the woods.

After a long search he finds his bear and three others in a clearing beneath the trees. Carefully he mounts the gun on its tripod and loads up a belt of 500 rounds. Taking careful aim on the bears he squeezes the trigger and sprays the clearing for three minutes with high calibre, high velocity bullets. Trees are cut down, branches and leaves whirl through the air in a blizzard of decimated foliage. The noise is deafening. When all the ammunition is spent the man strolls confidently into the clearing to collect his prizes—but finds no bears!

Nervously he searches the clearing from one end to the other, but there is no trace of the bears. Then he feels a familiar touch on his shoulder, hot breath on his neck and the bear is standing behind him with his three friends.
“You stupid little ****,” said the bear. “You are so going to get it. Drop ‘em!”
The huntsman drops his trousers and is mercilessly buggered by each bear in turn.

Returning to town our hero is in a terrible state. The physical and mental scars take a long time to heal, but eventually he recovers and is even more consumed by the desire for revenge. He purchases a multiple rocket launcher and a range of army surplus artillery pieces and returns to the woods.

With his high-powered binoculars he spots the bear under the trees about two miles away. He launches a prolonged and intense attack. The wood is reduced to matchwood. Surely nothing can have survived!

Walking into the smouldering wreckage he looks for the remains of the animals, but again there is nothing. He is somehow not surprised when he feels the familiar tap on the shoulder and the hot breath on his neck. He turns and sees the bear, the three other bears and all their friends and relations forming a queue as far as the eye can see.

The bear slowly shakes his head as the man drops his trousers and says: “Somehow my friends and I don’t think you keep coming up here just for the hunting...”

[Kelly Creative]

20 shots...
A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other

and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents,

to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well,

but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

[El Peligroso]

very good

[Russlock]

4 nuns were involved in a car crash and all were killed.
when they were stood at the pearly gates, St.Peter said "welcome ladies", but before you enter, is there any sins you need to confess.

1st nun said " last night I saw a mans penis"
St.Peter said, "you must wash your eyes in the bucket of holy water.

2nd nun said " last night I also sinned, I touched a mans penis"
St.Peter said, "you must wash your hands in the bucket of holy water"

at that moment there was a scuffle betwen nun 3 & nun 4, and St.peter said; "what's going on here then"

Nun 4 who was behind nun 3 said, sorry St.Peter, I just wanted to wash my mouth out before she washes her A*se.

[Laura Lynne]

a bit of blue for t'dads