Friday Joke

[emileee]

^^^^^^^

Love the call centre one.

[Kelly Creative]

Two guys are talkin’ and one of them just keep going on about how bad his arm is bothering him. However it wasn’t bad enough to go to the doctor. The other guy said " I know just thing for you. The drug store has this new machine. All you have to do is pee in a cup, pour it into the machine, put in your dollar, push a button, and it tells you what’s wrong and how to fix it." The first guy figures his buddy is just feeding him full of **** and drops the topic. But a few days later he’s in the drug store and spots this machine. He figures it will only cost him a buck so why not try it. He pees in a cup, pours it in the machine, puts in a dollar, and pushes the button. A few minutes latter it spits out a slip of paper that reads. Dear Sir you have tennis elbow take ibuprofen three times a day for a week and limit the use of your arm. The guy doesn’t think there is any way a machine could tell that just from a cup of pee; but he tries it and it works. Still in disbelief the guy decides to **** with the machine a little bit. So he takes a cup home with him and has his wife **** in it a little, then has his teen age daughter to **** in it a little, he gets some fresh oil off the drive and puts that in it, he gets some fresh dog **** and puts it in, then he jacks off in it. He goes back to the drug store, shakes up the cup pours it into the machine puts his dollar in and pushes the button. THE MACHINE STARTS HOPPIN’ AND JUMMPIN’ AROUND finaly, five minutes later, it spits out a slip of papper that reads. Dear Sr. your wife is pregnant with somone elses kid, your teenage daughter in on drugs, your car is two thousand miles past due for an oil change, your dog has worms, and if you don’t quit jacking off that tennis elbow is never going to get better.

[Picha]

A helicopter is flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disables all the navigation and communications equipment.
Due to low cloud, the pilot can't determine the helicopter's position. He's sees a tall building and flies towards it. When he gets there he hovers by the boardroom window and his co-pilot holds up a sign that reads "Where Am I?!"
The big cheeses in the boardroom quickly respond to the aircraft, draw a large sign and hold it against one of the windows.

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER!"

The pilot smiles, waves, looks at his map, determines the course and lands safely. Once landed, the co-pilot asks him how he did it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building", says the pilot, "because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

[Kelly Creative]

Three little boys want to have fun.
Three little boys were walking down the street when they saw a sign that said," if you want to have fun, follow the arrow. So they did, to a door with a red light above it. They went in and told the Madam, 'WE WANT TO HAVE FUN"! To which she replied, " Don't you boys think you're a little too young? The boys convinced her and were on their way down the hall to a room where a prostitute sat on the edge of the bed., She aksed them how they wanted "it". they all said " we just want to have fun". She said o.k. and took her top off. The first little boy covers his eyes and runs out. The prostitute takes off her panties. The second little boy covers his eyes and runs out.
So the prostitute bends over and slaps her ass, and the third boy covers his eyes and runs out. Walking together down the street, the first boy says to the second boy " How come you ran out?" "My mommy said if I ever saw a naked lady I'd go to hell." The second boy asks the first boy "How come you ran out?" "My mommy said she'd spank me if i saw a naked lady." They both turned to the third boy and asked him, he said "My mommy told me I'd turn into a rock and I felt something getting hard so got the heck out of there."

[lolly]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

[d3niss3]

good ones!

[Reemo]

I recently entered my favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at my regular table, I noticed a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

I called the waiter over and asked for their best bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is mine.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to me.

Her note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

I, after reading her note, chuckled, and sent a note of my own back to her.

My note read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

[El Peligroso]

[mick young]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Kelly Creative]

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"