Joke of the Day

[Toon]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, nicely fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and designed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed his hat and a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he got nearer to the pond, he was amazed to hear the sound of laughter and shouting. When he emerged from behind a peach tree, he saw five gorgeous teenage girls skinny-dipping in his pond. As soon as they saw him, they squealed in alarm and hid themselves in the deep end.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" one of them shouted.
"Nice beaver," chuckled the old man.
"Filthy perve!" shouted another.
"Yeah...don't think you're gonna see my tits ya dirty ol' man!" screamed a third, hastily covering up the magnificent pair the old man's eyes were glued to.

The old man frowned. "Lookee here, girls. I didn't come down here to watch five little cuties swimmin' nekkid as a jaybird in mah pond. I ain't gonna make you git out nekkid neither." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm jus' here to feed mah 'gator. Don't mind me."

"G-GATOR!!!" The girls screamed in unison. All five shrieked with fright and scrambled out of the pool.
"Here, lemme help ya out," said the old man, putting his arm around the prettiest girl.

Which goes to prove that old men who don't move so quickly can still think faster than a young stud!

[Willim-the-GREAT]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[Willim-the-GREAT]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Kira-Dee]

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go f**k herself!"

[Willim-the-GREAT]

lol lol lol lol lollol lol lol lol lollol lol lol lol lollol lol lol lol lollol lol lol lol lol

I dont think i laughed that hard before, ever :p

[Toon]

Now you know what to get the missus

[Toon]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Toon]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

[Mars D&P]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

to get to the other slide pmslllll

[Toon]

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."