Joke of the Day

[Toon]

A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. The both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem", the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see", says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[Toon]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Kira-Dee]

I like that one toon

[Toon]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first was a draftsman, the second an accountant, the third was a pharmacist and the fourth was an unemployed painter and decorater.

To show off, the draftsman called to his dog: “Tsquare, strut your stuff, boy!”
Tsquare jumped up on a drawing board, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits and promptly divided them into four piles of three.

Everyone agreed that was bloody clever.

The pharmacist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said: “Testube, do your stuff.”
Testube got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a glass from the cupboard and filled it to the brim without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good too.

Then the three men turned to the unemployed painter and decorater and said, “What can your mangy old mutt do?"

The jobless painter and decorater whistled up his dog cat and said, “TeaBreak, hit it, mate!”

TeaBreak jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, humped the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, applied for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave, after accepting the offer of counselling.

[Toon]

Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.

The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.

The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.

The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.

The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"

The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."

[Toon]

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

[Toon]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

[Toon]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend......



.....So get yourself a dog.”

[Toon]

Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Hey! Do you wanna go play PlayStation!?

[Toon]

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never
laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the
doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to
struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't
know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"


"It's swollen,"