Joke of the Day

[mick young]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fife is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[Jo Jo]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, " he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

[MickyO]

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans’

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.’

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The government beat me to it.

[James Jones]

The Genie

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last.
All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand two yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie - but this is no ordinary genie.
He is dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the dull genie is right.
"Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

POOF

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of M&S delicacies.
"Ok sir, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life (assuming one attempted kidnapping per decade).
"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF

He's turned into a tampon.
And the moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached.

[jamilla]

Here's mine...


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
‘Jesus is watching you.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep,’ the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh?- - - Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’- - - the burglar laughed .. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

[jamilla]

My joke #2..


A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?”

The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”

Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.
So she buys one….

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”

She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”

“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”

“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”

“Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

[jamilla]

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good. Take it in the spirit it is given. Pure fun)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball...or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

[James Jones]

It was early as the would-be apprentice nervously heaved open the door to the Blacksmith's workshop.

Inside he found the Backsmith sweating over a mighty anvil as he hammered the glowing steel in the light of the furnace.

The Blacksmith, sensing his presence, doused the steel in a tub of water, downed his hammer and scrutinised the youth.

'So', he began, 'have you ever shoed a horse before sonny?'

To which the youth replied

'No, but I've told a dog to f**k off'

[conspire]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man … “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”

The general replied, “In Vietnam.”

[James Jones]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you B*TCH' .