Joke of the Day

[MickyO]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

[kip]

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

[jinny]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Mailno]

Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins — a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not ;Bubba — he’s CRAZY.”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “What’s the girl’s name?”

“Your brother named her Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, “That’s a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise.”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew”

[James Jones]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

[Kelly Creative]

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.


Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.


Q: What is the definition of wicker box?

A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.


Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?

A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…


Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A: They have shaky hands!


Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.


Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

A: An armadildo.


Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A: No one to talk to during orgasm.


Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?

A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)


Q: What is 69 squared?

A: Dinner for 4.


Q: What is 68?

A: You do me and I owe you one.


Q: What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?

A: About three inches.


Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?

A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.


Q: What did Adam say to Eve?

A: You’d better stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets

[Leah-Q]

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

[Reemo]

Once there was a man that had survived a terrible plane crash and was lost in
a forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days
and survived on berries and twigs. He was way too slow to catch any kind of
animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts
when he was young. After two weeks of wandering he found a thin, but three
story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he
knocked on the door. A little man answered the door. He had a long white beard
that hung almost to the floor.

Please sir, I need some food and shelter. Said the young man.

This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter.
The old man said.

Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter.

For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests
that have ever been devised. The man, too weak, agreed, not thinking that any
woman could arouse him in his weak state. After a shower and some sleep the man
came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old
man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she
was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away
from her during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into the girl's room to take one last look at
her for he had promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man
gave him. When he opened the door he saw that the girl was awake and to his
surprise she ushered him in. Well, being stuck in a forest with just your
father doesn't surpress all urges, so one thing lead to another. They were as
quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (OH WOW) the man
crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he had just
done. He fell asleep thinking of her.

Early in the morning he got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a
rock with a sign on it that said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest !

Well, this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw
the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the
window that said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock !

The man jumped out of the window without hestitation knowing a 3 story drop
would be far better than what was in store for him.

As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd
Chinese torture, right testicle tied to bed post !

[Dunce]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[MickyO]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."