Joke of the Day

[Kimran]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[kip]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, “Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Ah, yes,” said the bobby, “just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the bobby, “whiz away sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby “That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”

[Mailno]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

[jinny]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[lamploi79]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

[cerus]

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken *******, you’re shitting the bed!”

[Liliya]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies: “Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks: ” Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww
tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?”

[Andy1982]

HAH! I was wondering where that one was going! Nice one Liliya.

[lamploi79]

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.

He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."

She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 307."

[Toon]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"