[lolly]

Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm already here. I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren't.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm telling you, I'm Jesus. How do you know I'm not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!

--6 Train


Black guy #1: Lady, don't sit next to that man, he's got aids, mother****er.
Black guy #2: Who you talkin' bout aids? I went to prison for ten years and I don't have no aids. Peace, brother.
Black guy #1: I tell you he got aids, mother****er!
Black guy #2: Peace, brother, peace.
Black guy #1: Aids, mother****er!

--PATH Train


Blonde #1: ... So, he was like, sitting there, and she needed to take a tinkle, so, you know... She opened the door and a truck just smashed into her, and the car... Like, totally.
Blonde #2: Oh my god. I hope he had insurance.
Blonde #1: Yeah, me too.

--Union Square


Straight guy #1: I saw this show on TV about guys who would date girls even if they have a penis 'cuz they were so hot!
Straight guy #2: Penis is definitely the deal breaker for me.

--187th St & Broadway


Professional woman #1: He's great, he doesn't mind my excess body hair.
Professional woman #2: Good men are so hard to find.

--48th St between 5th & 6th


Parsons student #1: He always said he'd dump me if I cheated.
Parsons student #2: Do you really think he'd dump you?
Parsons student #1: I cheated five times.
Parsons student #2: Jesus.
Parsons student #1: I'm easily flattered!

--Loeb Hall, E 12th St


Mother, to four-year-old boy who has just slapped a little girl: Why did you do that?! Give me a reason right now. I demand a reason, now!
Four-year-old boy: I have to control her.

--East Broadway


Girl #1: I don't understand why he was so upset. It's not like I was being insensitive or anything.
Girl #2: Are you serious? You asked him if he had aids!
Girl #1: Yea, but only because he said he was gay!

--Penn Station


Young guy to his friend: As least if she's got diarrhea, I won't need the lube.
Friend: Dude. That's gross. Like I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Guy: Well I mean it sounds gross and if you get past the smell, it's pretty kick ass. Awesome texture man!
Friend: You've done this before?!
Guy: The first time, I didn't want to. But afterwards, I was thinking of sneaking her laxatives cuz it was so rad. But dude! I lucked out, she has digestive issues!
Friend: What the hell did NYU do to you?

--F Train