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Toon · #2 (**permalink**) 22-06-2007, 07:28 PM

Quality got to post them in...

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The most alsome quotes on Overheard in New York (according to everyone's thumbs up/down votes)

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The Fallacy of Insufficient Sample Size

Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn't working out. I guess I'm not over Jessica.
Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I'm a hairdresser. How original. Just because I'm a hairdresser you think I'm gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you ******* Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.

--9th & B

Overheard by: GavinM
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Posted 2006-09-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go

Blond Tourist Bimbo: I've never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it's a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.

--G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station

Overheard by: Ian Robertson
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Posted 2006-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection

Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's ****** up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.

--Chinatown

Overheard by: Ricky
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Posted 2006-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

And, Besides, I'm Chicken

Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.

--13th & 3rd

Overheard by: Todd B
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Posted 2006-09-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Born-Again Brain Teaser

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

--4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio
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Posted 2005-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Hey, Man, Where Do You Think Families Come From?

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

--Mickey D's, Times Square
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Her People Love Fashion at a Bargain

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn't know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It's not a burqa, it's a poncho. I'm Jewish. It's for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.

--53rd & 7th

Overheard by: Pam
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

NY Age of Consent Is 17 -- Coincidence?

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?

--R train
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

But I Also Like Cleaning and Sucking Cock!

Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and ****."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That's so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook... And ****.
Hot southern girl #1: I know... Me too.

--Union Square Cafe

Overheard by: Moving South
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

I Can't Wait Not to Have One of My Own

Chick #1: Dude, everyone's popping out babies these days. JLo, TomKat, Britney. It's like they're the new ******* accessory.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a ******* baby anyway? You just turn into a fatass with stretch marks and saggy **** with a screaming infant who no one wants to be around.
Very pregnant passenger: I'm due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?

--F train
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Take, Eat, This is My Body

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

--New York Public Library, 40th & 5th

Overheard by: Renee Rogers
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2003-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track

Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.

--C train, 59th St

Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.

--B train

Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train ******* us all over.

--Uptown A train

Overheard by: la di da

Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.

--N train, Astoria

Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast

Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.

--C train

Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl

Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.

--Downtown C train, 14th St

Overheard by: alxie

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"

--Queens bound F train

Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.

--F train, 34th St

Overheard by: prairiesquid

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.

--A train

Overheard by: english dude

Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to...This is an A train to... to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we're going?

--A train, 175th St

Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl

Conductor: All right, there's a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin', get to steppin'!

--1 train, Times Square

Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!

--PATH train
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

I'm Still Trying to Get Rid of the Crabs from That Romulan Incident

Drunk guy #1: What's the closest star to Earth?
Drunk girl: The Sun!
Drunk guy #2: No... It's Alpha Centauri.
Drunk girl: I just don't think I can agree with you on that. Anyway, Alpha Centauri is a galaxy!
Drunk guy #2: Let's bet on it.
Drunk girl: Ok. But only money. No sexual favors.

--85th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: EricaS
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Posted 2006-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Gay Guys Prefer Hardwood

Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?

--Central Park
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Explain the Waffle Iron, Then

Black NYU boy: For some reason, every Asian here has a rice cooker.
Black girl: Why?
Black NYU boy: I don't know, I guess because they're Asian.
Black girl: That's so stupid. I'm black, but you don't see me with a chicken fryer.

--8th St & University Pl

Overheard by: yo mama
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

She Means the Greeks

Chick: How come we're always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um...This is "Introduction to Jewish-American Literature".
Chick: ...Yeah, but still.

--Waverly Building, Waverly Place
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-03-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Sadly, This Isn't Fiction Either

Woman: Do you have a non-fiction section?
Book guy: Well, everything that's not fiction is non-fiction. [Over] there's cooking, and there's history.
Woman: No, that's not what I asked. Do you have a section for non-fiction?
Book guy: Well, there are no non-fiction novels. Everything here that's not a novel is non-fiction.
Woman: But you don't have a non-fiction section?
Book guy: No. Everything that isn't fiction is non-fiction.

--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Wednesday One-liners Cook the Afterbirth

Woman on cell: No, I mean, whatever. I cried for that baby when it died and all. ****! I even went to its funeral and the damn thing wasn't even born! Who the **** has a funeral for a baby that wasn't even born?...Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, I'm sure as hell not going to a birthday party for a baby whose funeral I went to a year ago. That is ******* morbid...and they had better not be expecting presents.

--14th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Laura Mathis

Girl on cell: Wait, was this the eating disorder cousin or the crack dealer cousin?...Oh, she's having a baby? Wow, I hope it doesn't die.

--Waverly & University

Asian chick: Like you've ever even seen a baby prostitute.

--56th between 5th & 6th

Guy: No, she was four months pregnant when I started dating her. But I certainly did bathe the baby in sperm!

--Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue

Girl: I'm not sure, but we are thinking of putting the baby in the closet; it's small but we can fit a crib in there and keep the door open.

--12th Street & 3rd Avenue

Teen girl: It was the saddest thing ever. It was almost as sad as watching a baby cough.

--F train

Overheard by: drewseph

Chick: Omigod, I totally want an Asian baby. Asians make the best mixers. Like vodka.

--49th & 10th

Overheard by: Uncle Jimmy
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Mom Gets Her Inner Ho-Bag Out of the Garage

Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!

--Q37 bus, Liberty Ave
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other

Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.

--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

He's Got a Sneeze Guard on His Toilet

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

--Famous Original Ray's Pizza, 7th Ave
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

What's a Nice Place Like This Doing in a Girl Like You?

Slutty girl: My high school history teacher ate my pussy. Then the science teacher. He ate my pussy. Then in college my freshman philosophy professor and my junior year economics professor, they ate my pussy.
Practical girl: You need to put out a Zagat guide to your twat.

--Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: PDJ
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners

Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!

--125th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Yes, I'm his teacher.

Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It's like the hospital, you can't touch anything!

--Columbia University

Overheard by: student

Little girl: Big Brother is watching!

--Franklin St & Church St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Little boy: Yo, digit, you don't get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?

--Corsa Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Edward Carney

Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!

--116th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?

--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush

Overheard by: Cupcake

Little boy: I can't wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!

--6th Ave & 17th St
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Unless It's an Apparition Doing the Molesting, Like That Hot Scene in Ghostbusters

Girl #1: I am so wasted. I got molested by some Mexican at this sleepover party thing.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, I woke up and everyone was fighting cause he touched my *****. I think there's some law saying that you can't molest someone while they're sleeping.
Girl #2: Actually, I think there's a law saying you can't molest someone, period.

--Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: if walls had ears
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2004-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

No More Baby Shopping in Kazakhstan For Us

Little girl in sushi restaurant: Hey! Guess what? I just farted!

Mom and dad ignore her.

Little girl: I said I just farted! And I farted big! Ewwww! And it smells like rotten eggs! Wanna smell?

Little girl lets one rip.

Mother to father: So how was your day?

--Upper West SideHeadline by: Colin McCleod

Runners-Up:
· "Courtney Love: The Early Years" - Claire
· "Ew-nagi" - Mr. Fancipants
· "Gives new meaning to "silent but deadly"" - Will
· "I had to fart a lot to get my boss's attention..." - alex
· "If We Ignore It, Maybe It Will Just Go Away" - Ian
· "Ignore-ance is Bliss" - Nick
· "Luckily, Rosie O'Donnell was able to refine her act" - prmsrng3
· "Pull My Finger" - Jose Hernandez
· "Practicing for the Teenage Years" - Brian
· "Reason number seven why sushi is a popular dining experience." - Extra Character
· "Since "How My Day Was" is Self Explanatory..." - Veronica
· "Sounds a little like George W Bush and North Korea's relationship" - Empty Refrigerator
· "To Air is Human. Earplugs, Divine" - Qasar
· "Unfortunatly, the father spent his day with the chronic masturbator son." - ToraMaikeru
· "We thought you should know: You're adopted." - Jeff
· "What do you have to do to get some attention around here!...**** on the floor?" - pdz
· "Why Mommy and Daddy don't have sex anymore" - Kristin
· "You've got to ac-cent-uate the positive... Flat-u-late the negative..." - Mike Chmiel

Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

On a related note, I think my pot dealer's been ripping me off

Teen boy: Yo, why do they call it a quarter to 8? It's 15 minutes, and 25 is a quarter.
Girl: Huh?
Teen boy: If I say a quarter to 8, what time is it? It's 7:45, but that doesn't make no sense, it should be 7:35, a quarter is 25 not 15. You still don't get it do you?
Girl: No, I get it, I get it.
Boy: It just doesn't make no sense.

--Q54 Bus, Queens

Overheard by: EmilyHeadline by: Brian Q

Runners-Up:
· "At half past eight, he had a profound revelation" - born dumb and in denial
· "Cents and Sensibility" - Jeannine
· "Don't get him started on "25 or 6 to 4"" - Morgan Charles
· "He may be dumb, but he's perpetually early" - Josh H
· "Hobo: I'll take either" - Jedipus
· "How Parking Meters Rip Us Off" - meter man
· "Kid has a point" - ello
· "Metric time claims another victim" - remark
· "Still searching for his 25 minutes of fame..." - C.T. Aiken
· "Time is money, but the dollar is weak" - Mike Britton
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Overheard in New York: The Movie

Girl: I am glad you don't think she's prettier than me.
Guy: What? She is like, trailer trash.
Girl: No, she's really pretty.
Guy: What are you talking about? She is some lady they found in the parking lot by the garbage. They were like, "Hey lady, we will give you $20 to do this."
Girl: ...she is like, the American standard of beauty.
Guy: She is a dumpster-diving prostitute!

--Access Digital Theatres, Prospect Park

Overheard by: matt stohrer

Guy: Can I just say, maybe Zorro shouldn't be the first American movie you see.

--83rd & Broadway

Little boy: Why didn't Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy's head off?

--Loews Kips Bay Theatre, 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Girl #1: Shh! I can't hear what he's saying!
Girl #2: Bitch, you read the book already!

--DGA Theater, West 57th Street

Black chick #1: Girl, he so fine.
Black chick #2: Mmm...
Queer: Yes, we all know he's fine, but shut the **** up!

--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street

Overheard by: Scott Hoffman

Girl: So for the last half-hour of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I couldn't stop crying. Then everybody in the theater turned around and laughed at me.

--Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Stu

Guy #1: You still fixing vans for that production house?
Guy #2: Yeah, I even got in a movie. Check me out in Prime; it's with Uma Thurman. I'm in it for like 20 seconds playing basketball on the street with a red do-rag. I was like 30 pounds heavier then; I just got out of jail.

--DMV, Greenwich Street

Overheard by: Anthony Bloodsucker

Black woman: All these assholes going to the movies...Lowest common denominator!

--Loews Lincoln Square ladies' room, West 68th Street

Overheard by: Amanda K

Girl: I heard there's an Asian girl in the new Harry Potter.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: So they are branching out.
Guy: Yeah...but she is kinda big.

--Beard Papa's, Broadway & Astor

Overheard by: sim choo

Girl: I am dating two different guys with kids and no one will take me to see Harry Potter. Now that's ****** up.

--Eatery, 9th Avenue

Overheard by: Mike

Suit: I think you would really like As Good As It Gets.
Woman: Is that the one with Jennifer Aniston?
Suit: No, it's Helen Keller.

--75th & 3rd

Overheard by: Aaron Hotfelder
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2005-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

Isn't That Nice?

Tourist lady: Everyone has been so nice in New York; not what I expected.
Woman: We are nice, just self-absorbed.

--Central Park

Overheard by: Renaissance Chick

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

--33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Girl: **** nice! I am a born and bred New Yorker, I don't care for nice. I dont' want to be nice, I want to be right! **** nice!

--O'Neil's Irish Bar ladies' room, 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: Banana
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Posted 2006-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

The Part that's Wet with Your Juices, Petal

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

--Bleecker & MacDougal
Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf? Wtf?; Wtf? | |

Posted 2006-11-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us

But He's a Major Tourist Attraction

Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I've never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who's driving this subway?

Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.

Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He's just joking. We can't get off 'til Union Square.
Local: Ma'am, I swear to God that I'm not joking. Nobody's driving this train. I'm just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He's one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.

--4 train, 59th St

Overheard by: got off too
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Posted 2006-10-13 | Email | Quote |