[kip]

Queer #1: Dude, I'm so broke! I never have any money!
Queer #2: That's because you buy coke and get your face lasered!

--Vlada


Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I've been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: "You better be getting out of my face!" and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.

--A Train


Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She's five.

--Line, Grace's Market Place


Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I'd be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.

--8th St & Bedford Ave


[Woman walks into restroom with two small girls. Girls notice puke on the floor.]
Girl #1: Mommy, what's that?
Mom: That's puke.
Girl #2: Why did she puke?
Mom: She probably didn't feel well. Mommy's going to do that later because mommy's had way too much to drink!

--T.G.I. Friday's, Staten Island


Guy: That's the house George Washington grew up in.
Girl: Wait, really?
Guy: No, you dumb bitch. Why did I ever marry you?

--70th Ave, Forest Hills, Queens